Sunday, May 2, 2010

words can't describe this.... 5/2/10

Have you ever been alive? Truly, alive. Not just, not dead, but actually living. When you enjoy life and you just feel like things are right and you just feel, well, alive.

I've been walking through my life dead. I have problems i've ignored and let go, I have a long relationship with abuse that's scarred on my body, i've been in relationships that have killed me, over and over and over again.

I cried myself to sleep every night for an entire year. I used to cut 3 times a week. Up until, now, I've been dead. I guess this is just let everything out that's happened to me for the past year, because well, now, i truly, feel, revived and alive.

so, this may be stupid but this is mostly just for my own well being. I need to let out what's happened and just leave it behind, let it go.

ALl the nights I cried myself to sleep.
The way I cut my arms, hips, thighs, ankles, and slit my wrists.
The way i took those 2 bottles of prescription pills.
The way I almost jumped off a building.
The way I woke up screaming for 5 months, every single night.
The way I lost everything that I had.
The way that my mom punched me in the face, kicked me when i was down, burned me with my lighter, pulled out my hair until I was bleeding, or just told me it was her biggest mistake that she adopted me.
The way I slowly turned to alcohol to make things better, making myself drunk way too often.
The way I put such a fake smile on and pretended things were okay.
The way I could't have one dream without him in it.
The way that he found me on the corner of a street, drunk, and bleeding.
The way I broke the windows in my room when he left me, leaving me to cut myself with shards of glass.
The way I made myself bulemic so that maybe I could be prettier.
The way that I threw up everyday from being so depressed.
The way I couldn't stop shaking for hours.
The way I stayed up and hoped you would wake up and talk to me.
The way I took out every mirror in my room for months because I couldn't stand to look at myself.
The way I went a week without eating.
The way I was dead.