My biggest fear 4/14/10

I'm in love with you.
You are the most beautiful thing that I have come across in my life.
I don't even find others attractive anymore, i look at people and think, eh they're okay.
over and over and over again.

You love me too.
You can't sleep without hearing my voice.
You talk to me all the time and think about me constantly.
You said you would die if I were to die.

But somehow this doesn't translate to what most people would think turn into a successful relationship. I don't know if it's me or if it's your immature ways you tend to be caught in.

If it's me, it's my jealousness. It's my fear of trusting others. It's the constant moodiness thats cause by a disorder. It's caused by the way I look or that i'm no way near perfect. It's the way I have panic attacks when I think i'm going to lsoe you. It's the way that I can't go a day without alcohol in me. It's the way i'm not strong because of the various times i've been hurt so badly. It's thescars that lay on my wrist that you can't bear to look at because you were the reason for all of them. It's me.


If it;s you, it's your fear of commitment. It's the way you feel the need to cheat on the ones you love. It's the way you're indecisive and can't decide what you really want. It's the way you know that you'll hurt me, no matter how hard you try not too. It's the way you flirt with my friends and scream at the ones you don't like. It's the way you get jealous when i hookup with other people. It's the way when things get too hard, you leave. It's the thing you're best at, leaving the ones you love. It's you.

I wanna say I blame both of us, even if your reasons seem more important. But I don't know. Love takes so mcuh to do and a relationship is just so much work to keep alive.

The thing that scares me the most?
I can lose everything in the matter of a few seconds. I can lsoe you.
That is my biggest fear.

4/7/10

Imperfections are so beautiful.

WHen I love someone, I love their smile, the way they make me smile and the way their arms wrap around me perfectly. But what I find to be the most beautiful thing about someone, are their imperfections.

The way their hair frizzes after some humidity, or that their height is not known to be "normal", or the way their eyes change color when they're excited about something. I always hear girls say that they hate guys who are insecure and that they need a tough man to love.

I disagree completely.

I think insecurity in a man is wonderful. It shows that thy're not fake, and that they're honestly real people. It shows me how beautiful he really is. I doubt anyone really agrees with me or that it makes much sense but..... it's how i feel.

I like the gentleness of a girl in guys in someway. I'm sometimes attracted to bi guys more than straight guys just because they make more of an attempt to make me feel good about myself, to feel loved.

Love is confusing and i'm giving up trying to understand it.