Love Yourself Tattoo. 6/16/11

This is my newest tattoo, it's on my right wrist. I thought i'd share just a small story-type relfection and description of it.



It started in 6th grade. It was winter and I was locked outside of the house for failing my most recent history test. I continued to knock on my back porch window, hoping that someone, anyone, would be kind enough to let me in. My hopes were soon to be killed when I saw all the lights in the house turn off.

I brushed off the snow from one of the benches and proceeded to lay down and found myself to be sobbing from the coldness of the harsh Chicago winter. This was the first time that I recall that I truly felt, worthless. I felt that I didn't belong on this planet and that I wasn't ever going to be good enough for anyone.

I found a piece of broken glass that was broken off from a flower pot that was broken earlier in the day. I started examining the piece, the riggid edges and how they were sharp to the touch.

That's the first time I ever self harmed. I did a couple of cuts and immediatley started thinking about the pain from the outside. It made me briefly forget the pain from the inside and how emotionally hurt I was. I was addicted to the feeling of killing my emotional pain and that's how it started.

Ever since then, i've had a self harm addiction and I found myself to feel worthless a lot. At my worst times, i'd harm myself up to 3 times a day, for weeks straight. I have scars on my wrists, arms, stomach, legs, wrists, and thighs.

I decided to get this tattoo to try to save me and my body. It says, "Love Yourself" and it's a reminder to me that I should be loved and I should love my body. I shouldn't hurt it or hurt myself in any way. I put it on my right wrist because that is usually the hand I cut with, so everytime i'm feeling down and i'm about to cut- I can see my own message to myself.

Hopefully i'm on my road to recovery.

5/19/2011

It seems as if my depression and bipolar are beginning to take over me. I feel like i'm in this world for no purpose and i'm beginning to think everyone around me doesn't really care if i'll stay or not.

I got help in Feb. 2011 for my self harm addiction and I was finding myself to become better and really stop my self harm. The last time that I purposeley hurt myself was in mid- march. That's about 2 months of no self harm. That's the longest i've gone since 8th grade.

Today, I found myself in a spiral of depression, watching it get worse and worse until an event triggered everything. I went back to my old habits and it killed me that I would do this to myself again. I knew I was gaining strength back but I guess i'm just never going to be strong enough...

5/4/11

It's my last week at university. It's mindblowing that I even survived this year. People call me weak for this year, I think i'm strong. I was hospitalized for suicide attempt and I can honestly say, it's one of the biggest events that has made me a stronger person.

At that moment, I truly realized what I deserve and what I don't deserve. I will admit to the fact that trying to take your own life is not the best way in order to learn this lesson, but it will definitley work. I'm enjoying life currently. I'm learning how to live and slowly how to love again. My trust is shattered, my self confidence at extreme lows, and my motivation at none, but i'm truly struggling to make all of this to work.

I hope every single one of you know that you're special. Don't ever think that you're worthless or not loved. You could be someone's everything without even knowing it.

Much love guys <3

memory thats been stuck in my head recently..

This is kind of just a personal emotional rant of goodbyes. enjoy if you would like.

8th Grade.
I had known for a while that this day was going to happen, I knew a divorce meant seperate households but I continued to block the image out of my head. It was 8 am on a Saturday morning, it wascompletely rare to find me concious at this hour except for today. I sat on my bed, legs hanging off the edge,sitting completely still and staring at the floor beneath me.
I heard the rustling of belts and the sound of luggages being zipped up from across the hall. My door remained closed. After about an hour, the sound started to become less frequent until there was no sound to be heard at all.
I slowly lifted my head up once silence had become my sound field. I heard a light knock on my door and stared at it for a second before pulling myself up to answer it.
My dad was standing at the door with his old coat on and his bags lined up behind him.
"Can I come in and talk to you for a bit?" I nodded my head and proceeded to walk back towards my bed. He stood at the edge of my bed and he looked down and said, "I know things will be hard with just you and your mom but you need to be strong. Just because i'm not here doesn't mean that i'm completely out of your life." I looked up and saw my dads eyes produce the smallest, but most meaningful tear I have ever seen.
Out of the 13 years that I had known my dad, i had never once seem him sad or shed a tear. I looked up and just stared. I will admit that I do regret this to this day but I can't change things now.
"you're abandoning me. get out" i said, whispering in a trembled voice. I saw him start tearing some more before he just turned around and shut the door. I heard the rustling of the bags going down the stairs until I was back to what I was scared of, the silence.

music correlates to life 12/9

I really do have a fascination with music and its correlation with the human mind and how your life plays out.

As stated in a pervious blog post, I find it weird how sounds can be related to people. The fact that a song can start playing and you can breakdown because it reminds you of an ex or maybe it was the song that was played at your mother's funeral. Songs have emotional ties which are closely knit with the trigger of a human's emotions.

This morning, I was woken up to the girl in the dorm next to me blasting some really, really bad ghetto music, So i clicked on my Ipod to attempt to drown her music. I was shuffling through songs when I realized, a lot of my songs, i've just over listened to them and its hard to listen to them some more.

Then I thought, what if this correlates to the humans way of interaction with others? We, as humans are known to follow the quote that states, "we never know what we have until it's gone." For most people, their emotions and expiereicnes have clearly portrayed this to be completely truthful.

We usually hangout with the same people everyday, do the same tasks everyday, and live our lives like this. Because of this, we get unappreciative of our friends and our families to the point where we look in the wrong directions to find something new.

In a way this is like music, we lsiten to a song too much- we don't want it anymore. Yeah, sure we'll listen to it but we won't like it as much. But then when you find something new- you absolutley love it and you ignore the flaws of it.

Maybe we really do need to see the small things more clearly and appreciate what we have and don't always search for something new.

Or I just sound crazy :p

Imagine. 11/15

I'd like to imagine a world where we could pause time and get lose in our own happiness. That our hearts were constructed to be indestructable even with the coldest ones pounding at it.

I imagine this quite often actually. especially when i've had a bit too much to drink. Our lives, the one thing all of us are searching for is love. The need to love and care for someone and the need for that affection to be returned. We often are misunderstood in relationships which leads us to the broken heart.

I'm begining to question the importance of love in our lives. I have been nothing but hurt when it comes to love and i'm wondering if i should even attempt to find it. the beauty in the world can be loved, your friends can be loved, your family can be loved, so that means i don't need to find, "the one" right? I can fend on my own and be independent. I don't need a man to find happiness.

But once I actually think this over, I come to the conclusion that i'm just imagining.... yet again.

10/4/10

His lies intertwine,
this soul with a broken line
save this being
save this heart
before the pump
has no start

This angst has projected
spewing venom at his face
as his heart continously
begins to break

Although he deserves
he wont not admit
the fact that it was a fib
a lie and
a secure manipulation

I want out.
His embrace won't let me go, these feelings
won't show but they're holding me back
I feel his presence
holding onto my soul
not letting go

choking away the life i led
letting this all fall to the dead
can you tell this is breaking me apart
these pieces fall without a spark

spine
cut my spine
let the blood run
spine
cut my spine
spine
cut my spine
spine

9/22/10

We remain in our past
engulfed in our thoughts
we're tangled in these memories that wont fade.

We find oursevles lost in people we never really did get over,
or moments we wish had never ended.
we're lost in this world in which we claim as ours

I fall into a trance of sleep but all i can dream
about is memories that haven't occured.
why can't we be happy with just what we claim as ours?
with our happiness in our lives?

I''m sitting heere
contemplating if i want it
or i'm just drowning in a dream

someone needs to wake me up
from what may be a dream
mmight in fact just be a nightmare

for you baby

We whisper words we've been afriad to say
waiting for
the leaves to change
your embrace rejuivnates my soul and heart
it lets me know that this love still has spark

lets cuddle and lay
without a single word
we can find ourselves, tangled
in our oown minds with memories racing through

i love you more than words can say
and frankly, these emotions will never fade away
i know you may not believe my words
i swear to god my emotions will show
just give me time and let me hear
the words of change, the actions are near.

I can't go a minute
without your sweet face
the sound of your voice
following my days

I want you to be mine
and for me to be yours
but i'm not ready for this change
my emotions are still obscure

is emotionless even a word?

i'm gonna breathe
and let these emotions invade my mind,
penetrate my blood stream and catalyze my happiness.

i'm gonna leap off waterfalls and close my eyes.
i'm gonna take a deep breath and dive into this situation
which seemed so long ago.

I'd like to raise my head up high,
on a mountain, high.
i want to see the colors blend and the smell's mix.

i want to rejuvinate my soul, i want to feed my mind.
letting nature enstill in my body, slowly taking over my mindset.
I want to be shown what living means.
I want to see my mind wander into far away places, where i can remain safe without doubt.

Take me there, take me to he clouds.
take me beyond the stars and th sky,
Take me to the dream that i once had.
leave me to wither, and become
emotionless.

7/20/10

I stare out the passage way of my imagination.
I remember seeing the lights, thinking I was at th top of the world.
I saw the storms on the surface but I turned around.

I remember the kingdom, i had made up,
my imagination running through my thoughts.
I felt so protected, up so high.
It brings me the memories of what it's like to lie.

The colors wee merging and releasing a light.
As i stare in the distance, 10 years has passed by.
I realize the surface was just a wing by my eyes.
I realize the storm was nothing but lights.

I grow older and wiser,
yet these memories linger.
I watch the clouds pass by,
waiting for nothing but,
my,
destination.

Peace and the power of love.

This life is full of hatred, violence, heartbreak, and full-blown wars. Wars between countries, cities, marriages, families, and even friendships. How are we expected to dig ourselves out of this hole that we have all sunken into too?

People protest against this in hopes of showing the realization that love and peace is all that we really need. But, in the back of their minds. They know it will never happen.

Why isn't society capable just to see the good in life? If everyone was loved, if everyone was cared for, if no one lied, cheated or harrassed. We'd live in a world that I would be proud of.

This world that we all reside in is digusiting to me. It's disguisting to see people kick someone down to the floor. It's appauling to see someone sit on the corner of a street, dying, asking people for a few dollars just so he can feed his only son. It's plain depressing to see what this world has come too.

It's depressing to see people ask for money to have sex or to see a husband cheat on his wife whom he, "loves". People forgot the real meaning of sex, the fact that it shows love. It's a connection between two people who are in love with each other. Love-making.

We see people take their own lives because love has destroyed them. We see Dad's lie to his own children about who the woman he was kissing was. We see boyfriends lie to their girlfriends about who they've been with or what they did.

I am not proud one bit of living in this trash-pit of a world. People are truly disguisting except for the ones whom believe that this world's cravings can simply be fed on peace and the power of love.

sigh

My heart's breaking into a thousand pieces,
shattered over the cold, marble floor.
Don't lose the scattered lies, they might be repairable,
just like before.
Can't you see your future will be lit if
changes are apparent in this life we do live?

I can see your mask,
to disguise the pain and to think that you
can throw all of this away.
Can you recall the night we kissed and let our troubles
pass into the abyss?
Can you recall us with smiles spread,
upon our faces like we always said.

My hands are yearning for your touch,
the warmth that radiates onto me.
I miss the way your lips hug mine,
leaving me to believe that things are just fine.
Your whispers in my ear,
they're ringing all the time.
I hear your soft voice trickle my spine.

We can go back even if it may take some work,
we can live a life that we can call our own,
we can let prosper this love that has grown.

I love you darling,
can't you see?
the only one for you, is me.
your eyes are blind,
but your heart can see.
that this was a mistake,
and it's all because of me

jknfjksdf

Let's hold hands while the music intertwines our hearts under the moonlight.
lets shout until our voices strain from the pain we release.
let's run through a field, leaving our past behind.
lets pretend that this life is possible, that our choices and our feelings are real.

Let's escape from our imaginations and thoughts.
we can discover what this is like, what it's meant to be.
lets live like we have forever to kill.
let our lips touch, slightly, just to know what it's like.

Your scent lingers on my clothes, slightly.
I can pretend for tonight that thing's will be all right.
Let's share secrets and forget who we are and where we come from.

Let it that hold us back dissapear and be forgotten.
just tonight,
under this moonlight.

6/24/10

Tell me these streets are better driven on alone.
Tell me my hair isn't scented with the smok that lingers.
Tell me that love is a sacred emotion and that it's possible.
Drown me in these lies that are entangled in my mind.

The music is contradicting my thoughts,
leaving open wounds to swell under the moonlit sky.
I watch as my eyes wander from the sky, the
dark unknown wonder to the truth tearing from your eyes.

Watch me drift away,
leaving these unknown thoughts to fade to an unknown memory.
Was this ever real or a fabrication of our,
lives? wonders? hopes and dreams?

I'll dream tonight.
I'll let my eyes shut and let them awake to light.
I wish things could be more upfront and not misleading.
What's a lie if the truth not be told?

6/4/10

A place i'm unknown with, a place neither touched or grazed upon these fearsome eyes.

You showed your unkindness, the sin in your lives.

But baby, this is different, the evaporated lies

no longer share a scent drifting through the warm, fresh,
air.



Your arms are my security,

a promise of joy, a feeling of love,

a promise of commitment.


Although distance may part us well, soon enough,

this love will grow and prosper among.

Love never dies nor will it ever.

This love that we share we will love forever.


Baby I can't describe these emotions you bring,

the love of an angel,

the way it makes it sing.

This bless upon myself,
has brought purity throughout.
leaving love to conquer the hell that surrounds.

Take my hand
and guide me along
this obstacle to be known as
a life of not long.

love,
we will prosper,
we will stay strong.
and yes i will miss,
I will miss you chris.
but love,
this bliss you have brought upon
will forever linger,
in my mind,
in my heart,
in my soul
and forever beyond.

5/13/10

A love is a bond,
an unconditional promise.
A bless that's bestowed upon us,
leaving our hearts to belong to one another.
A promise that's forever.
that's not a figment of our imagiantions.
That two hearts can grow, live, and prosper,
together,
intertwined by the obstacles that life may provide us with.

Love can be awarded upon us,
when we find the one we want to share our lives with.
The one whom we will share our years, and learn life's worth.
When you say, i love you, it's not a saying, a habit, or words scrambled in a sentence.
It's a promise, a way of life and the thought that occupy's my brain.

I'll tell you a story of a love that grew,
forever it stayed,
and forever it remains true.

Transform [[poem]] 5/11/10

Transformations under the sun,
leaving hopefulness lingering in the heart thats been savoring,
the love thats been crippled by the pain thats injected.
Your voice trickles my skin,
cleansing the sins that's been captured within.
I take a deep breath as I dive in,
to a hell I achieved by the nights of the grief.
The flowers are drifiting,
along the shallow bay,
leaving souls to wander and fade to a dull grey.
Is this correct?
To let them go without a word on the brain,
without a memory scarring their everyday ways?
A past is a memory, a life that's well known.
A life that you may contemplate but that you need to let go.
Start, refresh, rejuvinate.
This life is anew with every breath you take.
Smile my young angel, the voice of light,
shining beams throughout the hardships in life.
Open the door and let the air come through,
let yourself change, feel the power within
and let yourself,
transform.

for you baby 5/5/10

I wish I could express this feeling that's overcome me. I wish I could describe the exhilaration thats nested inside of me right now, radiating from my heart and my mind creating a whole new outlook on my life

A smile is a movement in our faces changing our expression. Some smiles are forced, some are because of a joke and some are brought upon us, well, because we just can't control ourselves. That's how I am.

I've wanted this for so long, my mind and body have been craving, longing for somebody to love and to care for. For someone to know that I will always, no matter what, be there for them and love them through any obstacles we may face in our lives. For him.

People constantly tell me that my juvinile state of being makes me translate lust as the idea of love. I prove them to be wrong by the feelings that I have for him. I know what love is, and I know what it is not. I know that i'm in love and i've been in love in the shadows as well.

I wish he could see just how much I cared and truly, loved him. I've been in a long-term relationship before. I know what it's like to be in love. He can't compare to anyone who i've ever dated, ever liked, or anyone who I have ever encoutnered in my life. People say when tehy meet the right person for them, that they just feel it. They feel right and they feel that life is complete and you can live your life knowing that happiness will reign above all. This is how I feel. I wish words could express my feelings that have been bottled up for so long, but nothing can describe this love, besides love, itself.

words can't describe this.... 5/2/10

Have you ever been alive? Truly, alive. Not just, not dead, but actually living. When you enjoy life and you just feel like things are right and you just feel, well, alive.

I've been walking through my life dead. I have problems i've ignored and let go, I have a long relationship with abuse that's scarred on my body, i've been in relationships that have killed me, over and over and over again.

I cried myself to sleep every night for an entire year. I used to cut 3 times a week. Up until, now, I've been dead. I guess this is just let everything out that's happened to me for the past year, because well, now, i truly, feel, revived and alive.

so, this may be stupid but this is mostly just for my own well being. I need to let out what's happened and just leave it behind, let it go.

ALl the nights I cried myself to sleep.
The way I cut my arms, hips, thighs, ankles, and slit my wrists.
The way i took those 2 bottles of prescription pills.
The way I almost jumped off a building.
The way I woke up screaming for 5 months, every single night.
The way I lost everything that I had.
The way that my mom punched me in the face, kicked me when i was down, burned me with my lighter, pulled out my hair until I was bleeding, or just told me it was her biggest mistake that she adopted me.
The way I slowly turned to alcohol to make things better, making myself drunk way too often.
The way I put such a fake smile on and pretended things were okay.
The way I could't have one dream without him in it.
The way that he found me on the corner of a street, drunk, and bleeding.
The way I broke the windows in my room when he left me, leaving me to cut myself with shards of glass.
The way I made myself bulemic so that maybe I could be prettier.
The way that I threw up everyday from being so depressed.
The way I couldn't stop shaking for hours.
The way I stayed up and hoped you would wake up and talk to me.
The way I took out every mirror in my room for months because I couldn't stand to look at myself.
The way I went a week without eating.
The way I was dead.