for you baby 5/5/10

I wish I could express this feeling that's overcome me. I wish I could describe the exhilaration thats nested inside of me right now, radiating from my heart and my mind creating a whole new outlook on my life

A smile is a movement in our faces changing our expression. Some smiles are forced, some are because of a joke and some are brought upon us, well, because we just can't control ourselves. That's how I am.

I've wanted this for so long, my mind and body have been craving, longing for somebody to love and to care for. For someone to know that I will always, no matter what, be there for them and love them through any obstacles we may face in our lives. For him.

People constantly tell me that my juvinile state of being makes me translate lust as the idea of love. I prove them to be wrong by the feelings that I have for him. I know what love is, and I know what it is not. I know that i'm in love and i've been in love in the shadows as well.

I wish he could see just how much I cared and truly, loved him. I've been in a long-term relationship before. I know what it's like to be in love. He can't compare to anyone who i've ever dated, ever liked, or anyone who I have ever encoutnered in my life. People say when tehy meet the right person for them, that they just feel it. They feel right and they feel that life is complete and you can live your life knowing that happiness will reign above all. This is how I feel. I wish words could express my feelings that have been bottled up for so long, but nothing can describe this love, besides love, itself.

My biggest fear 4/14/10

I'm in love with you.
You are the most beautiful thing that I have come across in my life.
I don't even find others attractive anymore, i look at people and think, eh they're okay.
over and over and over again.

You love me too.
You can't sleep without hearing my voice.
You talk to me all the time and think about me constantly.
You said you would die if I were to die.

But somehow this doesn't translate to what most people would think turn into a successful relationship. I don't know if it's me or if it's your immature ways you tend to be caught in.

If it's me, it's my jealousness. It's my fear of trusting others. It's the constant moodiness thats cause by a disorder. It's caused by the way I look or that i'm no way near perfect. It's the way I have panic attacks when I think i'm going to lsoe you. It's the way that I can't go a day without alcohol in me. It's the way i'm not strong because of the various times i've been hurt so badly. It's thescars that lay on my wrist that you can't bear to look at because you were the reason for all of them. It's me.


If it;s you, it's your fear of commitment. It's the way you feel the need to cheat on the ones you love. It's the way you're indecisive and can't decide what you really want. It's the way you know that you'll hurt me, no matter how hard you try not too. It's the way you flirt with my friends and scream at the ones you don't like. It's the way you get jealous when i hookup with other people. It's the way when things get too hard, you leave. It's the thing you're best at, leaving the ones you love. It's you.

I wanna say I blame both of us, even if your reasons seem more important. But I don't know. Love takes so mcuh to do and a relationship is just so much work to keep alive.

The thing that scares me the most?
I can lose everything in the matter of a few seconds. I can lsoe you.
That is my biggest fear.