My biggest fear 4/14/10

I'm in love with you.
You are the most beautiful thing that I have come across in my life.
I don't even find others attractive anymore, i look at people and think, eh they're okay.
over and over and over again.

You love me too.
You can't sleep without hearing my voice.
You talk to me all the time and think about me constantly.
You said you would die if I were to die.

But somehow this doesn't translate to what most people would think turn into a successful relationship. I don't know if it's me or if it's your immature ways you tend to be caught in.

If it's me, it's my jealousness. It's my fear of trusting others. It's the constant moodiness thats cause by a disorder. It's caused by the way I look or that i'm no way near perfect. It's the way I have panic attacks when I think i'm going to lsoe you. It's the way that I can't go a day without alcohol in me. It's the way i'm not strong because of the various times i've been hurt so badly. It's thescars that lay on my wrist that you can't bear to look at because you were the reason for all of them. It's me.


If it;s you, it's your fear of commitment. It's the way you feel the need to cheat on the ones you love. It's the way you're indecisive and can't decide what you really want. It's the way you know that you'll hurt me, no matter how hard you try not too. It's the way you flirt with my friends and scream at the ones you don't like. It's the way you get jealous when i hookup with other people. It's the way when things get too hard, you leave. It's the thing you're best at, leaving the ones you love. It's you.

I wanna say I blame both of us, even if your reasons seem more important. But I don't know. Love takes so mcuh to do and a relationship is just so much work to keep alive.

The thing that scares me the most?
I can lose everything in the matter of a few seconds. I can lsoe you.
That is my biggest fear.

4/7/10

Imperfections are so beautiful.

WHen I love someone, I love their smile, the way they make me smile and the way their arms wrap around me perfectly. But what I find to be the most beautiful thing about someone, are their imperfections.

The way their hair frizzes after some humidity, or that their height is not known to be "normal", or the way their eyes change color when they're excited about something. I always hear girls say that they hate guys who are insecure and that they need a tough man to love.

I disagree completely.

I think insecurity in a man is wonderful. It shows that thy're not fake, and that they're honestly real people. It shows me how beautiful he really is. I doubt anyone really agrees with me or that it makes much sense but..... it's how i feel.

I like the gentleness of a girl in guys in someway. I'm sometimes attracted to bi guys more than straight guys just because they make more of an attempt to make me feel good about myself, to feel loved.

Love is confusing and i'm giving up trying to understand it.

3-22-10

I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me.
I'd be lying if it absolutley killed me to ignore you.
I can't not talk to you.
You're my daily dose of happiness in a form of lies.

People claim it to be unhealthy; these feeling that have grown into my lifestyle. I can't help it though. I can't change the way I live because of the control you have over me.

I would die for you, I would give my own life in order to see you live.

It kills me that you wont talk to me or that i can't even have a chance to hear your voice. It kills me that I can't even make you miss me because ill ry to ignore you.

i'm invisible to you.
Just, plain, invisible.

Apocalypse

I listen to their groans,
hidden behind boarded windows.
Their want for my flesh is clearly portrayed.
Their mouths equivelant to a passageway of hell
with human remains lingering in their breath.
They took him, whom i loved.
with a poison through the neck.
God damn you bastards,
god damn.
I don't know who you are
if anyone
but we need to save mankind
before humanity is completely abolished.
The gun's loaded.
10 bullets at it's least.
If i shoot at their head,
they no longer will leap.
You must let your motions
exceed all limites.
Run.
My stranger, run to me.
Ill unlock the door
but please hurry.
Ill leave it cracked
for up to seconds of thirty.
If i dont see your face,
after a minute past.
I'm sorry,
my stranger.
You're one of them at last.

This [[poem]]

Slowly drifting.
Baby, strike it.
Strike it, hard.
My eyes enclose visions of the past.
Devouring my sense of logic that swarms into my mind.

Sharpen this dull blade, lets make things right.
Young heart held by such lying hands.
A human in awe with an illusion of pure,
perfection.

A girl holding her strength in as words fill her fears.

Scream

When she deciphered the words,

leading to such targedy.

shes not the one, nor will become.

Whats the imperfections which lead blood to run,

against this cold, harsh, air.

Smiles and frowns reminense.

Drifiting and waiting.

You're the main cause,

the only cause.

The cause,

of this death,

of this life,

of this tragedy,

of this.

starting of a poem? possibly

Cause baby, I saw you
on the corner in the pouring rain.
You were screaming,
"love never does fade away."
and honey, those words near saved my life.
And I love you and nothings going to change my mind.

Jump [[poem]]

Young love.
Sprouting from the broken crevices of hell.
I thought i'd never meet someone new,
as perfect as you.
I stated,
over and
over and
over again.

Jump.
I'll jump also.
We can run
away from this state of chaos.
Let black be your center,
your vision.
No fear must reside.

My love,
you are perfection
and perfection, we'll stay.
It's not long, nor tall.
Blood can guide our way
to the place we will transform,
eternally.

we'll see love
capture our deepest emotions
leaving our lives astray.

Breathe.
We'll jump
and forever
we will stay.

I really like this poem type thing. idk why... 1-25-10

I walked outside today
The white snow traveling along it's journey onto the weathered ground
I stood.
I stared.
I peaked over the edge of the building contemplating the importance of life
The positives of death
I stood.
I stared.
My trembling hands lighting the one thing that makes me feel something besides pain
inhale. exhale.
I stare off into the distance believing that love won't come my way again
Thinking love has given me a chance and I managed a way to fuck it all up
I stood.
I stared.
My slow paced step led me back to my house.
The sanctuary for most. A torture chamber for me.
White.
Why is snow white?
Why must you see it so visibly even to the naked eye
It's bright; it shows hope.
Its a lie.
It illuminates the problems us humans don't want to figure out.
It shares it's color with a few from nature
but red.
Red is a color that is rarely known to be visioned with snow
The blood that drips down from my wrist.
It leaves marks. Memories. Hope.
I can't help but think love is not real
That it's a figment of my imagination in which I created in order to help myself through life
Snow deomnstrates that for me.
It illuminates the pain that has come my way and the hope that I have lost from it all
I stood.
I stared.
I cried.
After a while
It's come to known,
everyone must come inside.

Inifinite [[REALLY shitty poem]]

What is death?
A meer consequence of nothingness
A portal-way to a world of endless posssiblities
Inifinite
I want to be Inifinite
Fight off the valleys of death with actions not yet taken
Help?
A quiet attempt to have a hand to hold along the way
Everyone craves another's hand to guide them
A hand to warm their coldest fears
Him.
I know he's my saviour for this conquest I have yet to call my own
My wings are yet to transoform
never ending
I want to be never ending
As long as it's pressed upon your side.

Where are you my love? [[poem]]

Thoughts of you occupy my brain
Sending signals of confusion that radiates my skin
My eyes wander to the point of only what's ahead
Where are you my love?
My heart is yearning for your touch
The soul is crumbling down a tad bit too much
My hands are trembling in this cold, frosted life
The couples, I gaze, I can't stand this fight
Where are you my love?
Take my hand and bring me to anew
Show me that life is not a portal to death
Show me this life is worth breathing my seldom breath's
There's a time when I don't know why i'm here
Who will miss me or the conquer of fear
Be my savior and show me what's right
Breath hope into me, love of my life
where are you my love?
i'm waiting
Where are you my love?
I'm waiting..

old poems that I wrote a while ago

First one- I wrote this in August 2007. I
don't think I actually finished it, haha but now that I look at it, I think it's awful so I don't want to finish it, hah. It has a lot of typos which I also didn't feel like fixing, sorry.

For You
for you i hold the razor close
for you i cry and never hold
for you i see the dark at day
for you i want to fade away

look in the mirror what do you see
a broken soul or a lifeless body
this is what you did
this is what you want me to be
this is what i have
this is whats left of me

you broke my life
you bruised my soul
you killed my life
now you're in control



This second one was written in August 2008. It was to my boyfriend of the time (now ex). We dated for 2 and a half years. It's cheesy but I just adore cheesy stuff :p

perfection was never true
until the day i met you
your eyes locked mine
your eyes so divine

hands met
lips touched
racing hearts
growing love

warm hearted smile
soft gentle touch
cuddle of an angel
i love you so much

love of my life
through every single strife
what can you see
beyond happiness and glee

so lucky to be the one by your side
so lucky to see the love of my life
please never leave
i have to believe
that you will only ever want me

This last one I wrote in December 2006. So, a while ago.. I just found these in my room so I decided to put them up on here.

The bruises cover the body
The pain covers the soul
The memories haunt my movements
I need somewhere to go
The hand is cold and stiff
Watching my every move
The body is left to bruise

Dying alive
Living alone
Left in the darkness
No one is home

Grab this lifeless body
Breathe the sigh of hope
Live in all my weaknesses
Brighten up my soul

My Life story in a few paragraphs :)

My name's Kat. I am 17 years old and currently a senior in high school. I feel as if i've gone through more than most people of my age.

My life story...
Family:
I was born on July 25th 1992 . My parents died by being hit by a drunk driver which resulted me to be in the family I am in currently. My current mom abused me since I was 7 years old; physical, emotion, and neglect. My parents now are also divorced. I am not close to anyone in my family and i'm known as the family fuck up :)

Friends:
I have amazing friends. Especially my best best friend- who will remain unnamed but he is the reason I came out of my depression phase. I feel that life without friends is a life that is not worth living.

Miscellaneous Info:
At the start of 2009- I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and depression. 2009 was the most difficult year of my life and I wish every single day that i could erase the entire year. I was depressed for 90-95% of the year. I also struggled with a eating disorder at the begining of 2009. Lastly, I found out I had heart problems and I got diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder.

This is just random facts about me and my life. Just so you guys know me a bit better :)
<3 kat

Poem :)

I wrote this poem a few months ago about someone. I was in a depression at the time, so it's not the most joyful poem you'll read but I hope you enjoy it.




The knife draws closer to the surface of your skin
It's propelled by the pain that you always hold within
The essence of love is nowhere to be found
The past is the key to your body staying above ground
The memories last by covering your wrists
You just wish your soul could cease to exist
The source of happiness is nothing but a lie
The pain that he's made is to leave you to die
Thewor'ds that you long for lingers in another's eyes
The tears may dry
But the heart still crumbles
You wait for nothing
But a lonley tomorrow
The idea of him has left you nothing but sorrow
Why should you stay if happiness is unattainable
This lonliness has transformed you to nothing
A sign of desctruction and empty bluffing
It's gone
The love that you lack
The love that you crave is not coming back