10/2/11

I feel like I need to update everyone on my life... I don't know if I just have followers or if they actually listen to what I write but oh well.

I am out of the hospital and i'm currently still in recovery.
I have a new boyfriend who I don't want anything serious with at the moment.
I'm out of school for the semester for a mental health break.
I'm a slight mess at times.

It's the nights that are the hardest. The flashbacks are constantly replaying in my head, leaving me with nightmares. I've woken up crying, screaming, and sometimes even with bruises on me that I can't explain.

I'd like to say i'm getting better. I really would. But, to be honest, I don't know if I am. I feel like i'm just running away from my problems and pushing them in the back of my mind. Maybe that can be a useful coping technique or maybe it will hurt me in the long run..... I don't know..

sorry guys but...

I'm devoting all my time to tumblr so please follow me on there.

Artsandkats.tumblr.com

Tumblr

guys please check out my tumblr. much love!

http://artsandkats.tumblr.com/

9-8-11

Have you ever had to completely rebuild your life? That's exactly what i'm going through at the moment. I'm relearning how to live properly and in a healthy way. I'm finally out of the hospital after a few months.

These past few months have been the hardest thing i've ever had to overcome but i'm so happy I am now in recovery. You really have to lose everything in your life in order to find something good.

Don't ever let a day pass without cherishing it is what i'm trying to say I guess. Sorry about the lack of posting recently, i'll try to post more.

Much love,
Kat

9-8-11

Have you ever had to completely rebuild your life? That's exactly what i'm going through at the moment. I'm relearning how to live properly and in a healthy way. I'm finally out of the hospital after a few months.

These past few months have been the hardest thing i've ever had to overcome but i'm so happy I am now in recovery. You really have to lose everything in your life in order to find something good.

Don't ever let a day pass without cherishing it is what i'm trying to say I guess. Sorry about the lack of posting recently, i'll try to post more.

Much love,
Kat

tumblr

Hey guys, I just got a tumblr and i'd love if you guys followed me. <3


http://artsandkats.tumblr.com/

:( 8/23/11

Hey guys, i'm truly sorry that I haven't posted in a while. I'm still in a hospital program and currently trying to relearn how to live pretty much. Things just aren't stable or okay right now and it's going to take a while for them to get better. I'm staying strong and fighting through this though. Thanks guys for following and reading if you do.

much love
kat

Hospital.

Sorry that I haven't been writing in this lately guys. I have been in a Intensive Outpatient Program and before that I was in the Intensive Care Unit. I've had a hard few weeks but things will get better. Thanks for understanding. much love

wow 100 followers.

Wow guys, seriously. This is amazing. When I started blogging, I never thought that my blog would touch so many people in the way that it has. I sincerely want to thank each and every one of you for being the most amazing followers in the entire world.
Much love guys.

Going to college or not does not determine your intelligence level

I despise when people give me, "that look". The look when I tell them i'm not going back to college. They think i'm stupid, not mature enough, or just plain dumb. It's my own choice and i'm owning up to it like no other.

Yeah, college was fun and all but it's just not for me. I'm very mature for my own age so i'm not crazy partier that needs to constantly be downing beer.

I've decided i'm going to Aveda Cosmetology school. I want to make people feel beautiful as they should always feel. That would truly make me happy beyond belief that I could make someone feel great about themselves. I strive to open a hair salon and call it Kat's Kuts. :D Yeah, i'm cheesy but a girl can dream, right?

much love guys

Twitter....

To any of you who care- I now have a twitter so if you want to follow me. I'm still getting used to it so yeah... but it's

twitter.com/artsandkats

:) much love guys

7/9/11

People constantly tell me that i'm really strong and that I handle things really well but I can't even begin to think that's the truth. Recently, i've found myself more prone to panic attacks and mental breakdowns. They've gotten to the point where i've stopped breathing and i've asked for help and people ignore me.

It's truly difficult to understand why I constantly have to feel like this or why can't I be a, "normal person"? I look at my peers, my friends, and people who surround me everyday and they are living their lives wonderfully. Some peoples biggest problems are that they miss college and want to go back. I wish that was my biggest problem and that I didn't have to be engulfed in this mess.

I'm not going back to university next year because I don't think it's very safe for me. I'm not stable and I don't know how i'll react in certain situations. I haven't told my family yet and I know they won't understand or even accept the reasoning i'm giving but i'm almost 19 years old and I know whats best for me. I'm going to a smaller community college close to my house and then transferring to a real college from there.

People think i'm just too unintelligent for a real college or that I can't "handle" things very well but in truth, no one really understands the struggles I have to overcome everyday.

It's been 19 years and i'm still waiting for things to get better. I really need them too.

Love Yourself Tattoo. 6/16/11

This is my newest tattoo, it's on my right wrist. I thought i'd share just a small story-type relfection and description of it.



It started in 6th grade. It was winter and I was locked outside of the house for failing my most recent history test. I continued to knock on my back porch window, hoping that someone, anyone, would be kind enough to let me in. My hopes were soon to be killed when I saw all the lights in the house turn off.

I brushed off the snow from one of the benches and proceeded to lay down and found myself to be sobbing from the coldness of the harsh Chicago winter. This was the first time that I recall that I truly felt, worthless. I felt that I didn't belong on this planet and that I wasn't ever going to be good enough for anyone.

I found a piece of broken glass that was broken off from a flower pot that was broken earlier in the day. I started examining the piece, the riggid edges and how they were sharp to the touch.

That's the first time I ever self harmed. I did a couple of cuts and immediatley started thinking about the pain from the outside. It made me briefly forget the pain from the inside and how emotionally hurt I was. I was addicted to the feeling of killing my emotional pain and that's how it started.

Ever since then, i've had a self harm addiction and I found myself to feel worthless a lot. At my worst times, i'd harm myself up to 3 times a day, for weeks straight. I have scars on my wrists, arms, stomach, legs, wrists, and thighs.

I decided to get this tattoo to try to save me and my body. It says, "Love Yourself" and it's a reminder to me that I should be loved and I should love my body. I shouldn't hurt it or hurt myself in any way. I put it on my right wrist because that is usually the hand I cut with, so everytime i'm feeling down and i'm about to cut- I can see my own message to myself.

Hopefully i'm on my road to recovery.

5/19/2011

It seems as if my depression and bipolar are beginning to take over me. I feel like i'm in this world for no purpose and i'm beginning to think everyone around me doesn't really care if i'll stay or not.

I got help in Feb. 2011 for my self harm addiction and I was finding myself to become better and really stop my self harm. The last time that I purposeley hurt myself was in mid- march. That's about 2 months of no self harm. That's the longest i've gone since 8th grade.

Today, I found myself in a spiral of depression, watching it get worse and worse until an event triggered everything. I went back to my old habits and it killed me that I would do this to myself again. I knew I was gaining strength back but I guess i'm just never going to be strong enough...

5/4/11

It's my last week at university. It's mindblowing that I even survived this year. People call me weak for this year, I think i'm strong. I was hospitalized for suicide attempt and I can honestly say, it's one of the biggest events that has made me a stronger person.

At that moment, I truly realized what I deserve and what I don't deserve. I will admit to the fact that trying to take your own life is not the best way in order to learn this lesson, but it will definitley work. I'm enjoying life currently. I'm learning how to live and slowly how to love again. My trust is shattered, my self confidence at extreme lows, and my motivation at none, but i'm truly struggling to make all of this to work.

I hope every single one of you know that you're special. Don't ever think that you're worthless or not loved. You could be someone's everything without even knowing it.

Much love guys <3

memory thats been stuck in my head recently..

This is kind of just a personal emotional rant of goodbyes. enjoy if you would like.

8th Grade.
I had known for a while that this day was going to happen, I knew a divorce meant seperate households but I continued to block the image out of my head. It was 8 am on a Saturday morning, it wascompletely rare to find me concious at this hour except for today. I sat on my bed, legs hanging off the edge,sitting completely still and staring at the floor beneath me.
I heard the rustling of belts and the sound of luggages being zipped up from across the hall. My door remained closed. After about an hour, the sound started to become less frequent until there was no sound to be heard at all.
I slowly lifted my head up once silence had become my sound field. I heard a light knock on my door and stared at it for a second before pulling myself up to answer it.
My dad was standing at the door with his old coat on and his bags lined up behind him.
"Can I come in and talk to you for a bit?" I nodded my head and proceeded to walk back towards my bed. He stood at the edge of my bed and he looked down and said, "I know things will be hard with just you and your mom but you need to be strong. Just because i'm not here doesn't mean that i'm completely out of your life." I looked up and saw my dads eyes produce the smallest, but most meaningful tear I have ever seen.
Out of the 13 years that I had known my dad, i had never once seem him sad or shed a tear. I looked up and just stared. I will admit that I do regret this to this day but I can't change things now.
"you're abandoning me. get out" i said, whispering in a trembled voice. I saw him start tearing some more before he just turned around and shut the door. I heard the rustling of the bags going down the stairs until I was back to what I was scared of, the silence.

music correlates to life 12/9

I really do have a fascination with music and its correlation with the human mind and how your life plays out.

As stated in a pervious blog post, I find it weird how sounds can be related to people. The fact that a song can start playing and you can breakdown because it reminds you of an ex or maybe it was the song that was played at your mother's funeral. Songs have emotional ties which are closely knit with the trigger of a human's emotions.

This morning, I was woken up to the girl in the dorm next to me blasting some really, really bad ghetto music, So i clicked on my Ipod to attempt to drown her music. I was shuffling through songs when I realized, a lot of my songs, i've just over listened to them and its hard to listen to them some more.

Then I thought, what if this correlates to the humans way of interaction with others? We, as humans are known to follow the quote that states, "we never know what we have until it's gone." For most people, their emotions and expiereicnes have clearly portrayed this to be completely truthful.

We usually hangout with the same people everyday, do the same tasks everyday, and live our lives like this. Because of this, we get unappreciative of our friends and our families to the point where we look in the wrong directions to find something new.

In a way this is like music, we lsiten to a song too much- we don't want it anymore. Yeah, sure we'll listen to it but we won't like it as much. But then when you find something new- you absolutley love it and you ignore the flaws of it.

Maybe we really do need to see the small things more clearly and appreciate what we have and don't always search for something new.

Or I just sound crazy :p

Imagine. 11/15

I'd like to imagine a world where we could pause time and get lose in our own happiness. That our hearts were constructed to be indestructable even with the coldest ones pounding at it.

I imagine this quite often actually. especially when i've had a bit too much to drink. Our lives, the one thing all of us are searching for is love. The need to love and care for someone and the need for that affection to be returned. We often are misunderstood in relationships which leads us to the broken heart.

I'm begining to question the importance of love in our lives. I have been nothing but hurt when it comes to love and i'm wondering if i should even attempt to find it. the beauty in the world can be loved, your friends can be loved, your family can be loved, so that means i don't need to find, "the one" right? I can fend on my own and be independent. I don't need a man to find happiness.

But once I actually think this over, I come to the conclusion that i'm just imagining.... yet again.

10/4/10

His lies intertwine,
this soul with a broken line
save this being
save this heart
before the pump
has no start

This angst has projected
spewing venom at his face
as his heart continously
begins to break

Although he deserves
he wont not admit
the fact that it was a fib
a lie and
a secure manipulation

I want out.
His embrace won't let me go, these feelings
won't show but they're holding me back
I feel his presence
holding onto my soul
not letting go

choking away the life i led
letting this all fall to the dead
can you tell this is breaking me apart
these pieces fall without a spark

spine
cut my spine
let the blood run
spine
cut my spine
spine
cut my spine
spine

9/22/10

We remain in our past
engulfed in our thoughts
we're tangled in these memories that wont fade.

We find oursevles lost in people we never really did get over,
or moments we wish had never ended.
we're lost in this world in which we claim as ours

I fall into a trance of sleep but all i can dream
about is memories that haven't occured.
why can't we be happy with just what we claim as ours?
with our happiness in our lives?

I''m sitting heere
contemplating if i want it
or i'm just drowning in a dream

someone needs to wake me up
from what may be a dream
mmight in fact just be a nightmare